First off, I have spent a lifetime rejecting and running away from my own image. If I am by a mirror with other people around, I ignore it. When taking pictures, I always make a "funny face" so I don't have to honestly evaluate the end product. I keep my pictures for friends-only on facebook. I used to dread picture day for the yearbook.
As for mirrors, I have most always been somewhat suspect of them. I catch myself distorting my image to make myself look better, almost like utilizing a "blind eye" to my advantage. I'll pose in more flattering positions to alleviate any worries about wearing that dress that I should possibly just leave in the closet. I suck in. I pout my lips. I stand taller. It all feels so staged. Therefore, I have learned to not trust that reflection pursing her lips back at me- pursing her lips to make her cheekbones stand out more, of course.
As a result of this distrust for quartz, when I am out about town, I always try to catch my reflection in something around me i.e. a car window, a shop window, a lake, glasses. I almost feel that if I can sneak up on my reflection, it can't lie to me. What I see in these off-glances is the true, unadulterated image. It's almost like watching a night storm. When the lightening hits, this whole night world that is traditionally cloaked in black suddenly becomes unnaturally illuminated, shedding secrets and giving clandestine glimpses into the dark. These snapshots of myself that I catch in random reflective objects is really what other people see. It's what I look like when I don't think I am being looked at. It's me being uncloaked in the dark.
My answer to my image insecurities was always; lose weight. But what if I take these images and I use them to inspire me? What if I turn this disgust around and make it more useful, a tool if you will? Make it into something positive?
Visualization is one of the most important techniques we can use to change our future, but we need a starting point. This last Monday, using my trusty Macbook Pro, I started a series of pictures of myself to inspire weight loss. In just my underwear and a tank top hiked up to the boobage area, I took a no-bullshit picture of myself. I then made it the background, tiled, on my laptop so I would see it everyday. Now, don't get me wrong, this is not a negative point of view. I am not looking at the picture in disgust, instead, I am looking at the picture and visualizing what my body will look like after some time and dedication to healthy living. I see pouches getting firmer, arms getting more toned, and me be happy taking the picture. I see myself being content with my own reflection. This is a starting point. I am making a vow, right here and now, that I will continue to take these pictures every Monday (which will also help me track my progress visually instead of getting obsessed with the scale). Perhaps, after some time, I will post them here so y'all can see the change =0)
Another tactic that might be useful for all of you out there is something my mom has put to use (she will here on out be referred to as "The Pook"). The Pook idealizes Demi Moore's body- I mean come on, who wouldn't? That woman is dizzamn smokin'. As a motivational technique, The Pook printed out pictures of Demi a la Striptease and ordered a huge poster online. She placed the small printed out pictures in places she would look everyday, like the car mirror, and placed the huge poster next to her bed. This was in hopes to keep up motivation and keep the image of what a healthy, smokin' body looks like to inspire The Pook to do the same. While I think this tactic works well for some people, I personally like mine better. I feel like comparing myself to a celebrity is too far of a stretch. By keeping it to pictures of myself, I am visualizing change on my own unique body, not a completely different person's with different muscle tones and build to boot. I also have the ability to compare week-to-week to see the change instead of getting upset with a number that really doesn't reflect real physical change.
If you are in the same boat as me, you want to be healthier, you want your body to look healthier- why not try joining me in this great weight escape?
1 comment:
AJ - I really appreciated how you talked about looking in the mirror (and other objects). As I read it I felt like someone was describing what I do every day in that same way, yet I had never been self aware enough to reali*e that maybe I was doing it for the same reason -- to somehow "catch" myself as I really am, or to somehow see how I "really" look. Your weekly photo idea is interesting too...I might think about it :-) Do tell how it goes along. Thanks for writing.
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